Friday, September 25, 2009

Back to no-where

I keep getting caught on the same path. Stumbling over the same stones. Ones that I thought I had already cleared from my way. I keep finding myself in very familar situations, with very familiar, and not so pleasant, feelings. Situations that I thought I had vowed to never let appear in my reality again.

But there you go, I guess that's life, huh?

What does it take to actually learn the lessons that are presented to us, instead of dancing around them? When we decide to dance we inevitably find ourselves back in the same place we started. Only then we're that much older - but clearly no wiser.

I usually recognise the signs in the beginning, know I'm going back down a track that I have already visited. And yet, for some reason, I keep thinking that the scenery will be different this time, the experience a better one.

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Constantly doing the same things and expecting a different outcome? I guess we must all be a little bit insane then, because I know I am not alone in performing this particular circular manouver.

I keep telling myself that I am going to make decisions for me, not based on what others want from me, but then I am presented with something that feels good momentarily and I lunge at it. Even as I am quieting the voice telling me that it is all going to lead to another roller coaster ride that will spit me out at the end feeling wrung out and pointless, I am clinging to the hope that things will turn out at least a little bit more like I need them to.

Because it is familiar. And feels safe. Even though it is obviously very, very unsafe. So I dive in again, and feel my way to a path that will lead me back to where I started.

Back to no-where.