Like many emotionally challenged people, suicide is something that pops up in my mind about as regularly as most people change socks. At these times, the cramped little well that I am sitting waaaaay down at the bottom of generally looks very dark and scary and uninviting. The tiny hole of light at the top is a loooong way up, and try as I might, there just doesn’t seem to be any damned way out.
Scratching and clawing and holding on to life - despite a huge part of me screaming to just give up and fall – is… well… tiring, at best, and I have a huge amount of empathy for those that have given up the battle and figured their own way out.
Unfortunately, I have also recently had the delightful experience of watching a good friend almost disintegrate and disappear into nothingness when someone very dear to her took their own life.
Now, I understand that suicide is a taboo topic to a lot of people, but I have always been kind of blasé about it (well, the thought of it anyway) since it is a subject that has always run through my head as easily and annoyingly as that song that you heard a snippet of last week, and is still driving you crazy.
I don’t want to get all maudlin and morbid, although I understand suicide is not exactly a polite, light topic of conversation. Not one that people would generally discuss over tea and scones at the country club, so to speak. But for someone to whom the concept of ending ones own existence is sort of attractive – in a “not really, but wouldn’t it be nice to just not have to wake up” sort of way – it can be familiar territory that feels almost comforting - in the conceptual realm.
In actual reality what taking ones own life can do is leave a wake of guilt, regret, and usually completely pointless self-recriminations for the people that are left behind.
For anyone that - in that moment – might genuinely believe that the people you love would actually be better of without you – stop. You are wrong.
And if you want to get really down on yourself, you are human, so have probably been wrong before. So accept it, you are wrong. The people who love you will be completely and utterly destroyed by the fact that they couldn’t be the one that made a difference in your life. Every single person that ever cared about you will wonder what they could have done differently, and will blame themselves when they can’t come up with something.
And lets face it, if you are feeling this way you are almost certainly bathing luxuriantly in something extremely inviting and extremely toxic - self pity. Now self-pity is something that I have become very well acquainted with over the years, and I have learned that it is actually not quite the friend I thought it was.
Yes, it feels good in a self-flagellistic sort of way. Yes, you can justify just about any kind of behaviour that you want to. And yes, it will always be there waiting when you meet up with ones of life’s inevitable little challenges. But it also sucks the life right out of you. Motivation becomes a vague memory and regardless of the weather, your world becomes a dull grey colour that cannot be shifted, even with a good drop of red, happy friends and sparkling conversation.
But – and here’s the big bit - it goes away, too.
I recently read that suicide is ‘a permanent solution to a temporary problem’. I have to admit, I don’t think I could possibly have come up with any words that would state the case more succinctly. Whatever it is you are feeling right now is temporary, particularly if you consciously decide that it is going to pass and make a sustained effort to think about the things that you know will help you to get past it.
Knowing and applying this principal can be a bit tricky, but once I figured out that I could decide to make myself feel better, I spent time learning what types of things made me feel better when I thought about them. I felt a little bit more in control. I am still way out of control in a disturbing number of areas of my life, but at least I know that I can consciously try to change my feelings by changing my thoughts. I say try because it doesn’t always work, but it has worked long enough to keep me alive this long. And as with everything, perfecting it is a work in progress.
Are people that commit suicide cowards or are they brave enough to take a difficult step? That is a question that has floated through my mind since I understood its implications. I have come down on the side of cowardice because it is the choice that will stop me from hurting my loved ones more than I can imagine.
But I actually think that’s a pretty good reason.
Neurons works online from where ever she happens to be a the time.Learn how you can do it, too, by visiting www.neurons.ws or www.livedontwork.com.
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